The perfect character

As a professed geek I find my mind’s eye drifting into a nether region of chaos and whimsy. So, in my effort to enlighten, and because I’m bored out of my freaking mind, I decided to create the perfect character for my beloved D&D.

T’was not an easy task, as one must balance ability scores, race, class, skills, and spells to peak deadly efficiency. So here’s my template, though admittedly not as funny as a gnome tinkerer with missing fingers.

Race: Half-drow
Class: Bard
Int: 11
Str:7
Dex: 25
Con:25
Char:2
Wis: 4
Weapon specialization: rubber band, table napkin, spoon, bucket
Armor: tasteful leather thong, Johnson piece of +5 to turn undead, +10 if the wind is blowing
Character flaws: Afraid of the dark, serial masturbator (dex of 25, remember), feeble, alcoholic, necrophilia (remember his piece)
Traits: hard of hearing, tone deaf, abrasive, can’t read music, horny
Worships Tim, the god of pastry
Spells: yeah, right
Skills: totally bereft of any skill, a veritable dearth of skillage, the antithesis of skillful
Feats: can summon a dire gnat once a day, craft ping-pong paddle, rapid shot (facilitated by his serial masturbation), two weapon fighting (can wield rubber band and bucket with deadly precision), rapid reload (see serial masturbation), shot on the run, point blank shot, far shot
HP-120
AC-20
Attacks-rubber band 1-2, napkin 1, spoon 3, bucket 4-8
Special attacks-semen of revulsion…target must make saving throw -5 for vomiting, if target fails he is immediately possessed by the bukkake god